I'll Be Smiling When I Fall

Hollow thoughts run through my mind
A depressed figure before my eyes
She hides all that she really is
The cuts, bruises, and the cries

She never shows who she really is
She always hides behind her disguise
All the while everyone is convinced
That she's all real, no lies

Beautifully scarred, carefully covered
Tear stained face, bloodshot eyes
Purple bruises, painful fists
Thinning waist, silent cries

Sad but true, this is the way she is
She's changed from the person we always used to see
She longs for someone to change her back
Back into the person she used to be

Her body is covered in beautiful cuts
The rest covered in scars carefully hidden
Her tear stained face so perfect and pure
Holds the deepest, darkest secrets forbidden

Her bloodshot eyes are so cold and so distant
She makes it impossible to see into her heart
She's made herself immune to the pain
Caused from her heart slowly falling apart

Her purple bruises that give her skin radiance
Are caused by his  clenched fists
It's all a reaction because the pain also shows
When she carves the radiance onto her wrists

She sits in her room all day and night
Getting thinner by the day from refusing to eat
She locks herself in her tiny closet
From fear of always getting beat

She cries in the closet but no one hears
For her cries go unheard all the while
And when she leaves her little world
She always manages to put on a smile

She stares into her mirror in disbelief
Looking at the girl who stares back into her eyes
This girl with cuts, bruises and her slowly thinning waist
This girl who constantly wishes she dies

As I stare at this girl everyday
I slowly begin to feel her pain
But then I see that this girl is really me
And I'm living this life in vain

Disgusted of the person I’ve become
This depression is stuck within me like a curse so black
Trapped within the blood flowing through my veins
Preventing me from ever changing back

I turn away from the image before my eyes
I look for my silver blade in my drawer
It glints at me, as though it’s smiling
The urge so strong, impossible to ignore

“Come out my friend, it’s time to play”
I pick up my blade and push the tip through
My own little way of coping with everything
It’s my favorite thing to do

As I sit and watch the blood redden more
I feel the most subtle, most precious pain
I feel the warm blood trickle over my skin
I feel the hatred burning through my vein

In my make believe world of red skies and red rivers
I sit motionless beneath a red willow
I come back to myself, sitting on my bloody bed
With my face pressed deep down into the pillow

Once again this girl is so messed up
I look into her bloodshot eyes, leaking tears
I can tell she never wanted to end up this way
She’s turned into one of my life’s greatest fears

Why does this girl have to be me?
I hate seeing myself suffer this way
I’m unable to escape from this lasting depression
The depression only worsens day by day

In my room I slowly fall apart and drown in my tears
I fall faster into a deep hole so dark
My only way of getting out of this hole
Causes my arm to be covered in red marks

My porcelain face is stained by black tears
A sign that I have fallen apart once more
But when I leave this sanctuary of mine
I will have the smile I had before

So no matter how depressed I may be inside
I will never let my pain show
I may fall and be broken in every way
And you will never know

My depression is known to only me and that girl
It is unknown to my friends, family and all
And with this disguise that I always wear
I’ll still be smiling when I fall

Razor Blade Friends

I have a friend, she’s silver, she shines

Her favorite subject is art and her favorite shape is lines

Her favorite color is red, she draws upson myskin

Some lines are thick while other lines are thin

Sometimes she draws deep and the blood begins to run

To you it’s disgusting, but it’s just an addiction I’ve begun

Never in patters, just a line here or there.

Never too much just the pain that I can bare

Here favorite subject’s art and her favorite shape is lines

Her favorite colors red my razorblade

She is silver

And she shines.

Not One More Day

This head is so damn twisted
These thoughts run wild and free
I try to calm them down
And then force myself to breathe.

Would someone please tell me why
This pain is so consuming?
I hate the way people look at me
And the way they're always assuming.

I try to set these voices loose
So I shake my head side to side
I scream inside a closed up fist
I scream so that I can survive.

Insanity drives me to break downs
And break downs drive me to hate
I hate myself and I hate this place
These thoughts determine my fate.

Bitterness grabs my hands and pulls
Anger runs deep down my spine
Just let me breathe for a second
I think I'm going to need some time.

Stop screaming, they can't hear you
I swear to God I'm not insane
I fight them off with contradictions
I need some way to relieve this pain.

Give me that, it's on the desk-
Please turn your nosy eyes away
I'm not going to go through this
Not for one more broken, beaten day. 

These Tears I Cry

I Cry Out For Help Within These Walls
Between These Blades Of Redness Falls

Submerged In Sadness And Drowned In Pain
I Slit My Wrist And Let It Rain

One Cut, Two Cut, Three Cut, Four
Late At Night I Cut Some More

I Lie Within This Bloody Gore

I'm Trying To Somehow Channel The Pain
And Release These Emotions Within Each Vein

It's An Addictive Disease, With a Bloody Scare
The Secret Hell Of Who You Are

Silently On The Bed I Ly
Weakening With Each Red Tear I Cry

I Really Don't Have A Choice
When a Bloody Blade Becomes My Voice

Who Is the Little Girl?

There is this one little girl
Who makes me cry
Her eyes filled with sadness
And wanting to die
Who is this little girl
That takes my breath away?
The girl full of sorrow
Making it through another day
I see her walking all alone
When darkness fills the sky
She doesn't seem too scared
Or even a little bit awry
I wonder who she is
And why she walks alone
Does anybody even care for her
Is there nobody at home?
As I watch this little girl
Walking up into her house
All I hear is screaming
And nothing really else
The screaming is never ending
As I see her up in her room
The same little girl as before
My body filled with gloom
This little girl of darkness
Who can she possibly be?
All she wants is some attention
And the right to be let free
I really wish I could help her
But I don't even know her name
She looks so pale and frozen
Is there anybody to even blame?
I watch her pick up a knife
And shed one single tear
I wondered what she is doing
As I shiver and quiver with fear
A minute later I looked up again
And saw her on the ground
This little girl is dead
And mind became confound
Watching the sky and trembling
Who could this little girl be?
My heart went into shock as I whispered
This little girl is me..

Out of Control

All of the memories that are within my mind,
Hurt me too much to just leave them behind.
It doesn't matter how hard I try to forget,
Cause you always find a way to make me upset.

You carve your harsh words into my delicate heart,
While playing the victim as I'm falling apart.
You don't care about the pain you put me through,
Or the fact that I wanted to die because of you.

For every single tear that I have ever shed,
And for all those words that were left unsaid.
It's unbelievable how I've become so empty,
I never imagined that this would happen to me.

Pointless steps forward lead to more mistakes,
Another cold night with pounding headaches.
Salty tears start to fill up my dark brown eyes,
And I know I can't keep hiding behind my disguise.

Scars from my past remind me that I'm weak,
Cause the help that I need I'm afraid to seek.
I can't help but think that I am out of control,
That there's a missing puzzle piece from my soul.

How do I stay strong when I know you'll walk away,
Not caring about all the things that I have to say.
I'm Spinning out of control; All because of you,
You left me here to fade away; Now I can't get through.

Don't Tell Me You Understand

What if you saw my arm one day
And all those bloody trails?
Will you be able to understand why
I cut when all else fails?

Would you tell me to stop the cutting
Because what I do is wrong?
Will you try to convince me again
That I'm really very strong?

Will you tell me otherwise
When I say "you won't understand"?
Answer me this question
Have you sat with a knife in your hand?

Have you even contemplated
Or thought about suicide?
Do you have any f u c k ed up emotions
That you always try to hide?

Have you ever lost best friends
Because of the blade of a f u c k ing knife?
Are you stuck in deep depression
Always trying to end your life?

Do you have the scars I have
That decorate your wrist?
And if you try to smile
Do you smile with a twist?

How about all that precious blood
That's keeping you alive?
Do you shed it every night
Making it difficult to survive?

Have you ever stayed up late
While endless tears you cried?
Have you felt that horrible feeling
Like part of you just died?

Have you ever taken drugs
So the time will just pass by?
Have you found yourself to think
How perfect it'll be to die?

Have you attempted suicide so much
That you've already lost count?
Will even the tears you've ever cried
Add up to that amount?

If you try to help me out
Don't assume you know how I feel
The truth is you can't mend my heart
And you can't make my cuts heal

So just answer all these questions
Before you give me any advice
Just think it over clearly
Think it over twice

Already Dead

Lonely and hurt,
Broken I remain
Residing in hell,
living in pain

Masked by lies,
I slowly fade away;
The nightmare I live with,
each and every day

The meaning of it all,
to which my mind attends
Has not one answer
that I fully comprehend

The bottom of my mind
holds the answers which I call;
I keep reaching towards it
in this never-ending fall

"Stay strong and keep going,
it's never too late"...
No one seems to realize
that it's not worth the wait

There's no such thing
as help outside of your mind,
It's you against yourself,
with your demons intertwined

It's a battle, hard fought,
but never to be won...
Either way you end up losing
when it's all said and done

"Too late" came and passed
and, of me, nothing more
I wrote my own ending,
and I shut my own door

"Live your life to its fullest"
that's what they all said,
But what's the point in trying
when you're already dead?

These Tears I Cry

I Cry Out For Help Within These Walls
Between These Blades Of Redness Falls

Submerged In Sadness And Drowned In Pain
I Slit My Wrist And Let It Rain

One Cut, Two Cut, Three Cut, Four
Late At Night I Cut Some More

I Lie Within This Bloody Gore

I'm Trying To Somehow Channel The Pain
And Release These Emotions Within Each Vein

It's An Addictive Disease, With a Bloody Scare
The Secret Hell Of Who You Are

Silently On The Bed I Ly
Weakening With Each Red Tear I Cry

I Really Don't Have A Choice
When a Bloody Blade Becomes My Voice

On the Count of One

She sits in her room
Tired and alone
She's too scared to sleep
And too proud to let it be known

Hiding from reality
Afraid of what people will say
She'd rather just let it happen
And pray it will someday be okay

The night is coming fast
And her heart begins to race
She closes her eyes as he walks through the door
Never wanting to see his face

Yet again he takes her hands
And holds them tightly above her head
Takes advantage of the soul he's erased
Leaves her feeling dead

She deserves the abuse she gets
But she can't bare it anymore
He takes advantage of her lifeless body
Then calls her a stupid whore

He finally leaves her room
Not knowing it will be the final time
The girl decides to take her life
Put an end to her his crimes

She reaches under her bed
Places her hand upon a gun
She's scared but knows she'll soon be at peace
On the count of one...

A Cold Night In December

It was another rainy day far back in December
A night I will not forget, a day I will remember
The tears were falling hard down from the sky
It was a day I won’t forget because I met a guy
He began talking to me looked like a nice friend
It was a day I won’t forget because it had no end
As I waited for the bus he put his coat around me
I wanted to speak but it was hard to hear or see

I was startled by his kindness, how his eyes were blue
I fell in love with him instantly, a thing I never knew
He had many interests, and to me he said them all
It was a day I won’t forget, the beginning of my fall
He lent me his phone number, and quickly I did agree
I wanted to know him, there was so much more to see

Many days went by and we talked a lot every day
I would meet him at the bus with many things to say
My parents wouldn’t like him for he was older than I
A fifteen year old seeing a Twenty-four year old guy…

But still it didn’t matter; we were in love for sure
We would meet every day, going back for more
One night I told my parents, that I was sleeping out
And they wanted to know what it was all about
I told them a friend was inviting me for the night
Hesitantly they agreed and I bid them all goodnight

He picked me up at the corner, in a big red car
I waited while he ran an errand and went into a bar
I waited for an hour or two, possibly even more
Suddenly I had a feeling someone was at the door
My heart was beating fast, I needed to run inside
Nothing was working right, so finally I cried

Suddenly something woke me from my upset state
He came in the car saying “So sorry that I was late”
I hugged him and he then kissed me on the cheek
Adrenaline flew through me, I became very weak
He then whispered in my ear “Baby lets have fun,
“I will tie you down, you won’t move till I’m done”
Fate was hitting me hard; I knew that it was wrong
I managed to squeak a “No!” but he was really strong
He tied me down and stripped off all of my clothes
I couldn’t believe that all this was right under my nose

Then the door opened, and two other men came in
“Finally you brought her, let this game begin”
I was confused and hurt, stuck in a huge mess
My love now turned into hate, I had to confess
“Please let me go home, I will never bother you again”
“Sorry babe we need you, remember we are friends?”

I screamed so loud it seemed as if the world was deaf
I cried my tears begging them, till there was nothing left
No body gave in to me, or even heard all of my cries
I couldn’t believe everything we were, all became lies

I couldn’t hear a thing, except their laughs of pleasure
A body once so innocent, and now they have my treasure
I don’t know what I was thinking, nothing made sense
I tried to remember all my classes to help in my defense
This all was my fault, as they were pushing me inside
And this poem will not measure how much I nearly cried

Finally they were finished, and they pushed me out the car
My legs were dripping blood, my arms had many scars
“Playing with you was fun; you fell for my good old trick”
Another one told me thank you for rubbing on his dick

I began to run really fast, for I just needed to get away
I thought of my parents and what they would really say
I fooled everyone in the game, especially my own self
Never thinking about others, or how they would have felt
I was selfish and stupid, fifteen, I couldn’t ever understand
All I needed right now was for someone to hold my hand
I fell on to the floor, without any notice of where I was
My body became limp and cold, my actions were the cause
It was a night I won’t forget, one I always will remember
The moment that changed my life, a cold night in December
So drown in all your sorrow
Let it wash the pain away
There is no other escape
You're alone
You're hurt
And no one will save you this time...
But... who would want to anyway?

The Broken Pretty Girl

Broken girl within her cries

Pretty girl on the outside lies

Broken girl within her dies

Pretty girl on the outside thrives.

Broken girl has so many fears

Pretty girl will never shed a tear

Broken girl has given up on life

Pretty girl gets through it without strife.

Broken girl her true persona

Pretty girl hides her in a coma

Broken girl needs to be revealed

Pretty girl will keep her sealed.

Broken girl with a crack in her skull

Pretty girl reduced to a porcelin doll

Broken girl finally coming out

Pretty girl now ceases to shout.

Broken girl has now prevailed

Pretty girl can only wail

Broken girl getting the help she needs

Pretty girl finally begins to receed.

Fake

Oh, people make their promises,
To listen to my plea's
But no one will ever realize,
What's aching inside of me

You all say I look different,
That I am getting far to thin ..
But it's not because I'm tired
And not because of "him"

My body feels so weak,
From fingers down my throat
Some days i wish i could stop,
I thought i would be able to cope

..but

I'll put on my loving smile,
When you ask me how i am
And I'll tell you i am great!
And lie as much as i can

This is my hidden agenda,
My everlasting pain
No matter how much i try
My life will never be the same

Prince Charming's Confessions

Perspiring greatly, growing with fever
Breathing so gently, yet chills will not leave her
Humming so softly, yet heart's beating fast
Crying and praying for time to go past

Desperate and hopeless, so lost in despair
Praying and wishing her prince would be there
Utterly misleading was each given lie
Where did she wake up, who was he and why?

Chained to a long bed, atop a dirty sheet
Another lost victim of crime and deceit
Tossing and turning, though she sees no escape
Where was prince charming, why is he so late

A blinding fluorescent fills up the shack
Now everything's visible, all that was black
Shaking and screaming as he comes to view
Relieved, she is crying: "I thought it was you!"

Grinning and moving, he hushes her lips
Prince charming comes up to give her a kiss
But now she's still shaking, wishing to go
His finger touch her breasts, tender, so slow

Squirming uneasily, a few nervous laughs
Pain fills up her throat and crawls down her back
Knowing the truth now, her lips wouldn't speak
He gripped her arms tightly, suddenly she's weak

His knife was gleaming, he gaped at her pose
Cutting through roughly; her body exposed
Feeling so naked, as her clothes hit the ground
The princess can't move. She can't make a sound

Choking on vomit, she cries in regret
The sheets are so sticky, beneath they are wet
On top of her body, her pride and her life
Prince charming looks happy, so filled with delight

She looks in his eyes with one dying plea
"Of all of the people, why was it me?"
Ignoring her wailing, he rips up her soul
The prince was so powerful. He was in control

Suffering last moments, struggling to live
She gave up her hoping, with nothing to give
She stared into his eyes, praying to understand
As the knife plunged her heart; the one in his hand

Vast amounts of pain began to spasm through
Whispering the same words, she died hearing the truth:
"I told you before sweetie, but you weren't convinced...
Because you were my princess...And I, your prince"

Bleeding Mascara

A Tear of pain fills up her most beautiful eyes,
Shimmering in the dark behind her own disguise.
Thoughts are racing as if there is no tomorrow,
Last minute plans to destroy all of her sorrow.
Bleeding mascara is all that she's  prone to,
After all of the things you put her through.

Her lips are shaking from the words that she can't say,
With smeared lipstick on her face that won't wash away.
Screeching voices that are deafening her weak ears,
Dragging her right along to her own pool of fears.

Empty bottles lay across her tiled bathroom floor,
As she stumbles down the hallway to find some more.
Trying to numb the pain of her exploded heart,
The very same heart that you tore apart.


Tasting death as if it's an antidote drug that heals,
Anything to help her escape the pain that she feels.
Singing a sweet lullaby to send her off to sleep,
Now that the pain you have caused has sunken too deep.
Bleeding mascara is all that she's prone to,
After all of the things you  put her through.

Smudging Ink

Smudging ink and flooding words,
Painstakingly written across a page,
Hidden text reveals forgotten hope,
Silently trapped by her eternal rage..

Devotedly writing until soft hands ache,
Pouring out feeling in perfect rhyme,
Tears plunge onto a lake of emotion,
Gradually drowning her soul over time..

Spilling her tortured secrets onto pale paper,
Black stains release what she feels inside,
Plummeting into a sea of her scarred past,
Hoping her feelings will somehow subside.. 

Shattered Mistake

Shattered heart and shattered cries
Leave me here in full disguise
Deepened agony and deepened sorrow
With no real hopes in sight tomorrow
Bloody hands and bloody blade
All your pain you want to fade
Silent cries and silent screams
Corrupting all your happy dreams
Guilty thoughts and guilty noose
You must put all bad things to use
Painful words and painful tears
All have been seen through this broken mirror
Crimson scars and crimson hate
All wrapped together in her shattered mistake.

The Broken Mess You See

Her mind throws her to the closest edge of pain

She holds on although there's nothing left to gain

So tired of all the lies that make her want to fall

Sometimes she wonders if there's any hope at all

She pulls herself up and she tries to run away

But something, holds her back and makes her stay

So there she sits alone trying so hard to feel

The pain is too unfair, there no way that it's real

The scars they tell a story, she will never show

But they continue living...no one needs to know

How can you feel so alone when everyone is near

Shes the one who's missing, her heart not fully here

Heart tangled in the horror of a shattered soul

Body goes numb and silent, hands shaking cold

Judged her by only, the broken mess they see

They do not realize that, they're still looking at me